Every contest must have its judges. And as this is a contest, so have the contest gods decreed that we must have our own judges. Personally hand-picked by myself, I present to you a host of steely-eyed mavens the world of sexy gamerdom has never seen before. Each sexy in their own right, the Sexiest Indie Gamer Judges know that the task ahead will not be an easy one, yet they each accept their position with the utmost dignity.
Sexy judges, we salute you!
Supreme Adjudicator Upon High - Derek Yu
Websites: Description: What is there to say about Derek Yu that hasn't already been said? Born in the foothills of Pasadena and raised by coyotes, Derek learned to speak English at age 16 by reading old game manuals he found in a dumpster behind EBGames. Then, with his natural instinct for gaming, he made his fortune by secretly teaching Shigeru Miyamoto everything he knows. Once he was rich beyond belief, Derek heard the call of the Indie Sirens and retired from the game industry forever. Now he bides his time holding contests to show the world how sexy he... I mean indie gaming, is.
Indie Marshal #1 - Chris Hanson
Website: Description: When Chris Hanson isn't getting young girls pregnant, he's composing metal anthems that are making even Republican senators throw up the devil horns like they were hellos. On top of that, this studly gentleman is an accomplished game developer, having created such underdog hits like Ninja Nuclear Defense and Cruentus: Time Slayer. When asked about his plans for the future, Chris simply batted his eyelashes and when I woke up two hours later, I was in the stairwell of his dorm in my underwear. What a hunk!
Indie Marshal #2 - Felan Parker
Website: Bohemian Designs
Description: Known in some countries as "The Harry Potter of Love" and "The Nicest Sex God You'll Ever Worship", Canadian-born Felan Parker is a gifted student film-maker and an unbridled dynamo in bed... or so we surmise, since this young Adonis is currently very faithful to his lucky girlfriend (despite all our attempts to seduce him). When asked what his favorite sexual position was, Felan only had this to say: "Yes."
Indie Marshal #3 - Chris Wolf
Website: Doompuppet, Bloodworm
Description: Despite all the rumors, Chris Wolf is NOT just a homeless person that we found on the street. Instead, he's a super-mutant born with the incredible ability to create nifty things at the speed of sound. Whether he's drawing comics, making games, or screaming into a microphone and scaring dogs and old women, Chris exudes a sexiness that you couldn't hide even if you wrapped it in a burlap sack and buried it in the base of an active volcano. Even more frightening is that he owns a cat which may or may not be a million times sexier than he is.
Indie Marshal #4 - Juan Baruque
Description: The life and labour of Juan Baruque, also known as "Dr. Rotwang", is shrouded in mystery - the government denies any knowledge of his activities. You don't believe me? Ask a politician near you and he'll deny knowing what the hell you're taking about. However, his name is well-known among conspiracy theorists (they always know better) who relate him to some of the most devious creations of the last century, such as Nokia's N-Gage. His youthful and sexy look, unusual in a man of his age, is either the result of his illegal experiments on himself or possibly makeup. We may never know.
Indie Marshal #5 - Oliver Rizk
Description: This dashing young vaquero began life on the mean streets, where he quickly earned a reputation for killing and loving, loving and killing... and sometimes even for killing while loving. After being jailed 17 times for various crimes against nature (including a brutal assault on an elderly woman where he used only his elbows), Oliver came clean as a young teen and went on to become the successful author of several pornographic comic books as well as the producer of several platinum albums by the underground hip-hop group known as Willoughby. These days, Oliver is unemployed and can be found living in his parents' basement playing Super Nintendo.
Indie Marshal #6 - Janice Chiou
Description: Unofficially the world champion at Tetris, Jezzball, and a lot of other games that involve a either moving blocks or balls, Janice Chiou exudes a sexiness that could only come from the twin sister of Derek. Separated at birth, the two were reunited in junior highschool by a strange twist of fate. Although she appears quite weak, in actuality Janice can eat a 10-pound steak in one sitting and wrestle a grown man to the ground without breaking into a sweat. Janice's appetite for steak and destruction is so great, in fact, that she sometimes eats her own fingers (as is evidenced by the picture).
Indie Marshal #7 - Ryan Sands
Website: Same Hat
Description:
Celebrity Judge #1 - John Romero
Website: Planet Romero
Description: John Romero's rugged good looks and long, flowing hair set the hearts of female gamers ablaze when he entered the gaming world in the 1980's with an earth-shattering explosion of sexiness. The man who helped developed some of the world's most beloved games (Commander Keen and Doom, to name a few) returned to his indie roots recently, when he started his own company, Monkeystone games. Now at Midway, bad-boy Romero could probably win this contest... if he wasn't already a judge.
Celebrity Judge #2 - Nick Tipping
Website: Moonpod
Description: Nick Tipping, the illustrious art man for indie supergroup Moonpod, got started in the gaming industry working with Gremlin Graphics and after that, Rage Games. It was at Rage that he decided to go underground, joining forces with two of his Rage colleagues to create the stellar indie title, Starscape. Riding the success of that title, Nick and the team are working hard on their next game, Mr. Robot. Currently, Nick resides in Sheffield with his wife (sorry, ladies!) and two imaginary cats.
Celebrity Judge #3 - Jane Pinckard
Websites: Game Girl Advance, Gamepro, Dealership
Description: The lovely Jane Pinckard is the editor and publisher of Game Girl Advance, a popular gaming blog, and is Assistant Editor at GamePro Magazine. Along with contributing articles to publications such as Salon, TheFeature, and Xbox Nation, she's also been quoted in Newsweek and the New York Times. And as if being an intelligent, sexy girl gamer weren't enough, Jane also plays the guitar and keyboards for the Bay Area band Dealership! *Swoons*
Celebrity Judge #4 - Panic
Website: Panic
Description: Individually, the employees of Panic are just like you or me - perhaps quite a bit sexier than most, but by all means quite normal. When combined, however, they form PANIC-TRON, the incredible robot from the future with the strength, speed, and sexual prowess that rivals most robots of equivalent size. With lightning-fast reflexes and fists that can fly off and shoot laser beams, PANIC-TRON saves the Earth from its greatest threats and also creates some of the highest-quality Mac software around. Oh yeah: it can also launch nukes from its nipples!
Site Design + Contest (c)2005 Derek Yu and The Independent Gaming Source