Cave Story R.I.P. Off

By: Derek Yu

On: October 8th, 2007

Cave Story R.I.P. Off

In the year 3089, humanity receives a weak distress signal from beyond the Outer Rim… alien contact! The space station BALROG-1 is deployed to investigate, with Captain Meat “Meat Train” Sakamoto at the helm. Leading the science team is the famed biologist / paleoscientist Doctor Ezekial Nimbus.
Upon reaching the Outer Rim the crew discovers that the signal was from a wrecked alien vessel, empty save for a mysterious artifact – an ancient alien helmet with a strange “eye” design etched on the front. A malevolent power emanates from within the helmet… what could it mean? The Doctor, against the wishes of Captain Sakamoto, brings it aboard for “research purposes.”
That’s when all hell breaks loose.

American developer Voxel brings Cave Story to life in this balls-to-the-wall action-packed extravaganza of extremity and violence! You are Billy Bob “Quote” Johnson, the amnesiac space marine, imprisoned within BALROG-1 for disobeying your superiors. And now you’re the only thing standing between humanity and the terrible Mimiga Virus that has transformed your platoon into an army of bloodthirsty rabbit cyborgs!


– Hyper-realistic, cutting-edge 3D graphics. You’ll definitely be able to tell what these characters are supposed to be!

– Hardboiled story told lovingly through 200+ hours of dialogue. Featuring the voices of Catherine Zeta Jones as Lieutenant Fenix “Curly” Brace, and Samuel L. Jackson as “Meat Train” Sakamoto.

– Over 50 totally hardcore weapons, from King’s Vibro-Blade to the Nemesis Multi-Bazooka!

– Go online with your friends or play Deathmatch at home! Our unprecedented “BALL0S AI” crafts personalized insults by scanning your e-mails!

– State-of-the-art physics engine will molest your CPUs and PPUs as it accurately calculates the physics of EVERYTHING. Sweat has never been more realistically flicked off individual strands of hair!

– Soundtrack by Linkin Park.

  • Breaking

    In related news, the city of Swindon has reported an unprecedented shortage of monocles.

  • H.A.L

    I’m sorry Derek, I am not funny.

  • papamook

    dave, derek just told me this took him 6 weeks to complete, the text box taking up about 80% of that time!

    boycott aquaria to show your anger at him

  • Zulgaines

    If only there was some way to ban Dave from playing Aquaria when it actually is finished that would be just, well, just wonderfully funny.

  • Jayjayjuhwetplane


  • Oddity

    *Welcome. I am Ballos.*

    *Ages upon ages ago, for fear of enduring further C|-|33P V!@GRa, I allowed my magic to run wild…The HUGE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY–BUY NOW!! became such that even its master’s Nigerian political refugees could not control it…*


    *…now, forward this chain letter! Or I…shall forward YOU!!*

    (Cue Linkin Park.)

  • Prio

    > but how long do you think he spent drawing that picture

    Considering that any idjit can see that that’s a screenshot of a slapadash Unreal Tournament modification, and is not, in fact, “drawn” by any human, that question is pretty mugfaced.

  • Sergio

    I want a Vibro-Blade for Xmas!

  • eobet

    I don’t get it.

  • Calanctus

    Why are Mr E and Dave such terrible people? :(

  • Butzo

    Did you write this for the excuse of saying “balls-to-the-walls”?