Cave Story R.I.P. Off

By: Derek Yu

On: October 8th, 2007

In the year 3089, humanity receives a weak distress signal from beyond the Outer Rim… alien contact! The space station BALROG-1 is deployed to investigate, with Captain Meat “Meat Train” Sakamoto at the helm. Leading the science team is the famed biologist / paleoscientist Doctor Ezekial Nimbus.

Upon reaching the Outer Rim the crew discovers that the signal was from a wrecked alien vessel, empty save for a mysterious artifact – an ancient alien helmet with a strange “eye” design etched on the front. A malevolent power emanates from within the helmet… what could it mean? The Doctor, against the wishes of Captain Sakamoto, brings it aboard for “research purposes.”

That’s when all hell breaks loose.

American developer Voxel brings Cave Story to life in this balls-to-the-wall action-packed extravaganza of extremity and violence! You are Billy Bob “Quote” Johnson, the amnesiac space marine, imprisoned within BALROG-1 for disobeying your superiors. And now you’re the only thing standing between humanity and the terrible Mimiga Virus that has transformed your platoon into an army of bloodthirsty rabbit cyborgs!

Features:

– Hyper-realistic, cutting-edge 3D graphics. You’ll definitely be able to tell what these characters are supposed to be!

– Hardboiled story told lovingly through 200+ hours of dialogue. Featuring the voices of Catherine Zeta Jones as Lieutenant Fenix “Curly” Brace, and Samuel L. Jackson as “Meat Train” Sakamoto.

– Over 50 totally hardcore weapons, from King’s Vibro-Blade to the Nemesis Multi-Bazooka!

– Go online with your friends or play Deathmatch at home! Our unprecedented “BALL0S AI” crafts personalized insults by scanning your e-mails!

– State-of-the-art physics engine will molest your CPUs and PPUs as it accurately calculates the physics of EVERYTHING. Sweat has never been more realistically flicked off individual strands of hair!

– Soundtrack by Linkin Park.

Posted in Action, Community, Physics | Tags: Pixel

kt

I loled
Mr E

wow… almost, but not quite, not the least bit funny.
DrDerekDoctors

Want. Now. ;)
Derek

N’yuk n’yuk n’yuk! :D
Dave

Sorry but that was utterly unfunny, you wasting your time on shit like that is probably the reason Aquaria isn’t out yet.
http://wrestlevania.tumblr.com/ Wrestlevania

I’ve just spent a whole 2:37 minutes reading and rereading that post, hunting for the download link! Gimme!!! ;)
Alexander

this picture stresses me out. i don’t know why, but it does.
http://www.g4g.it FireSword

In our galaxy there is a huge ‘hole’, thousands of light-years empty, no stars, no planets, nothing…

Can u face the evil? Buy
Master of Orion 4! lol
Prio

I’d hit that, but only if the graphics and game have flair and charm beyond their technical intensity.

And only if King is voiced by that guy from gladiator.
http://mooktown.blogspot.com/ papamook

oh man this is classic tigs.

voxel! :D :D :D
tempest

UNDERSIDE RIPOFF D:
ahayweh

:) Good times
The Understory

Needs more bloom.
moon_rabbits

@alexander: i know what you mean D:
PeterM

Nice!
Chris L

Starring Ron Pearlman as Quote…

Seriously, anyone who did not laugh at this, probably needs to lighten up and remember you are reading TIG and not CNN.
http://doomlaser.com Golds

That Cave Story art critique from Gametunnel is such an Impression, Sunrise moment.
basara

It made my cry when I realized it was a hoax :’<
Movius

graphics? well la di da Mr. Frenchman!
Not Sure

Hi, is there a larger version of this image I can have? it would make for a great desktop.
Melly

MULTI-KILL
JP

<3 <3 <3
Carlz0r

I, too, would like a high-res version of this picture.
Trailer

“I tried so haarrrrrrrrdd…”
http://www.cursesfoiled.co.uk BenH

QUAD DAMAGE
Shih Tzu

Hahaha wut
X_Sheep

Where is Curly on that screenshot
Trailer

I think she’s the fugly short haired giant boobed thing behind fatty Quote.
I Like Cake

Yeah, Derek, if you hadn’t spent five minutes writing this update — five precious minutes that could have been used working on Aquaria, you’d probably already be done Aquaria 2 *and* 3 (total estimated development time: five minutes).

Leisure time, Derek? Next you’ll be wanting breaks for sleep and regular meals.
Guy1

Lame.
Dave

I Like Cake:

He may have spent five minutes writing the update, but how long do you think he spent drawing that picture, mugface.
http://www.tscreative.net BMcC

Happy Columbus Day everyone!

Except for you, Dave. You are dumb.
Guy1

10 mins?
http://www.shotbeakgames.za.net/niche Tr00jg

lol, BMcC, you are such a “mugface”… whatever that is.
Dave

I’ll tell you what a “mugface” is, if you explain what a “Tr00jg” is.
http://www.tscreative.net BMcC

Hah hah, Dave is alright.
http://www.shotbeakgames.za.net/niche Tr00jg

“Tr00jg” is a blend of Trojan and Scrooge. Thus I am a sneaky greedy man.
colorFool

Yeah, damn, that might even add up to half an hour! What where you thinking, Derek?
Get your sorry arse back to work! *whipslash*
Dave

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mugface

“1. An adjective to describe a person with mug-like features, or who has just done something which is clearly stupid.

“Oi, you, stop impersonating an ambulance. This is a Church. You Mugface.””
http://tscreative.on.nimp.org BmcC

lol, click my name to visit my blog, and you will see who the real “mugface” is.
Stij

Wow, I can’t believe Derek spent mintues, MINUTES of his time making this picture, when he could have doing something valuble like churning out Aquaria 1 through 15.

That jerk!
http://josephkingworks.blogspot.com Joseph

wtf the scientist is from Halflife lol
Advenith

Trailer, Quote’s not fat. That’s just cyborg-parts. His belly holds… EXPERIENCE!
http://www.tscreative.net BMcC

Go back to Swindon, Dave.

And brush your teeth for once in your life.
http://raw-steel.com Verz

This should be made! It’d work great with the Source engine.
Jad

I’m utterly dissappointed. This is the greatest game never made. :(
JP

I think I’ve figured out why I like this idea so much.

It basically says, “Dear mainstream industry: we’re laughing at you, not with you.”
Kale

Ugh… they look like Unreal Tournament characters. And no, that is not a good thing.

Gameplay > Tri-voxel shaded bip bumping.
King-N

Agh, it’s been bomerman’d.

>_<
Karzon

That picture is utterly disturbing. If someone actually made this (hopefully without the Linkin Park soundtrack, unless it was just “My December” on loop), I’d play it.