The Last of the Unicorns, the First of the Children

By: Derek Yu

On: October 26th, 2007

<3 Unicorns <3

I have contention with today’s Game Giveaway of the Day, which is described as follows:

Puzzle Mania: Chronicles of Unicorn is a unique game combining new but recognizable gameplay and perfect plot which will take you through all the game levels to the aim of your journey!

This part is mostly okay. The game is indeed unique, and the gameplay is certainly new and recognizable. Unique and new in the sense that I have never played a game where you solve jigsaw puzzles in order to find a unicorn. Recognizable in the sense that I have seen a jigsaw puzzle before. Just once, when I went on a trip and stayed in a cabin which smelled like wood.

I have a problem with the word “perfect,” though, because even though the plot is indeed amazing and incredible (because it involves finding a unicorn), is it perfect? That’s a bit of a stretch, for any game. I think it also places undue pressure on our children to try and attain a level of superiority that is reserved for unicorns.

Thankfully, the plot does take you through all the game levels. Thank Jesus!

Each stage is unique and does not repeat throughout the game, as well as the form of puzzles for each level. Mini-games which are an integral part of the Puzzle Mania world are prepared for you between the game stages.

Mmm, yes, the stages do not repeat. That is good. That always pissed me off how in Donkey Kong, after you beat stage four you’d have to go back to stage one. That was just some bullshit. I shot someone with a handgun the first time I found that out.

Mini-games are good, too. The way potato chips are good in between breakfast and lunch. Just give me some micro-games in between the mini-games, and I’ll be fit to be tied.

But your main aim is to rescue the last survived unicorn!

This is the part I have a contention with, because the “screenshot” clearly shows that the unicorn is right there, on the title screen! That was easy. But then when I load up the game itself, the unicorn is gone.

They photoshopped the damn unicorn. They tricked me.

So don’t be fooled, my friends – Puzzle Mania: Chronicles of the Unicorn contains very little actual unicorn.

(Also, you can totally see his dick up there.)

  • BMcC

    Hah hah, you so can!

  • drew

    I can understand saving the last **pair** of unicorns, but once you’re down to a single unicorn, what’s the point, really?

  • MedO

    Duh, sequence its genome and clone it!

  • quamper

    That’s pretty good stuff…

    Unfortunately now Tigsource can’t claim to be “Less Unicorn than Ever”

    and haven’t you ever heard of asexual reproduction. Surely Unicorns have the market cornered on that.. Why else do they have the “horn”?

  • Terry
  • Oddbob

    I mean, it’s clearly not *the* last of the unicorns.

    There’s loads here – not safe for anything though.

  • Advenith

    This picture in loving memory of Mr. Hands.

  • Skaldicpoet9

    “In the Magic Kingdom mushrooms grow on Unicorn’s heads”


    Man, that was terrible.

    btw, I think Unicorns are endangered, so I guess that’s why it is such a big deal to find the last one for procreation purposes of course…

    I don’t know about asexual reproduction…

  • Derek Poo

    In fact, all horses and unicorns do have dicks or pussies.

    If they are not puritan horses and unicorns, of course.

  • JohnB

    Yeah, um, I tend to stay away from games that feature unicorn genitalia. Just one of my guiding principles of life. EleFun Games = fail.

  • Valzi

    Digital jigsaw puzzles suck. Especially if they are all about unicorns. There should be ogres and maybe Grendel.

  • Mosh

    *That was just some bullshit. I shot someone with a handgun the first time I found that out.*

    I’m briefly reminded of Eddie Murphy. It brings a tear to my eye.

  • haowan

    That anime is absolutely awesome. AWESOME

  • Terry

    It is, too. I forget who gave me the link, but it was someone on TIG IRC:

    Dai Mahou Touge

    Extreme cuteness meets extreme violence. AWESOME :D

  • raelz

    Lolz I don’t get this
    And I don’t get the game either, whats the point of doing puzzle like this :(

  • haowan

    It’s not aimed at you, raelz.

  • ithamore

    Unicorns? That reminded me of one of PBF’s online comic strips, Nice T Shirt, which (containing only 4 frames) probably exceeds this game in terms of content.

  • data

    haowan, you say that as if we were talking about an insult… ;)

  • Karzon

    Some say it’s a children’s game with unicorn dick. I say it’s a step in the right direction.

  • Horatius

    Thanks for that review, it was magical. More please.

  • Paracetamol

    Ah, ok, so for Europe:
    22:00 for the guys in Britain (and … Portugese?) and
    23:00 for the German, French and Scandinavian. And Polish, Italians, ..

  • th15

    Damnit Derek, you’ve inflicted Uniporn on mine eyes. It burns!