Sharks Eat Your Spam!

By: Derek Yu

On: July 19th, 2007

There’s an e-mail world beyond the one we know… where every message is exciting, and every minute is an adventure. You know e-mail, you know video games… what you don’t know is that the two just hooked up.

I’ll be out of town for a couple of days, but before I go, I leave you with this awesome trailer for 3D Mailbox (aka Game of the Year). The only e-mail client that features shirtless fat guys with tats. Thanks for the heads-up, fartron (aka Freddie Mercury)!

By the way, if any of you other editors have some posts you’ve been wanting to throw up here, now would be a great time!

Posted in Unique / Bizarre, Videos, Windows

HandCraftedRadio

I’m actually thinking of switching back from email to regular mail thanks to this program.
King-N

Now…how exactly does that work out…?
Moose

Um. Wow. That’s quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen or heard of.
http://www.tscreative.net BMcC

Stupidest or… MOST AWESOMEST?!
ZombiePixel

Exactly! This could be the best thing to happen to pointless time wasting since the internet began! I wish I had thought of it!
fartron

You could say that 3D graphics have jumped the shark.
Chris L

I had no idea “exciting” equaled lounging around a 5 star hotel pool doing nothing… Oh but wait, SHARKS!!!
Prio

Okay I’m going to download this. Here I go.
ZombiePixel

I love how this product is getting trashed on all the tech sites. Yeah, the same guys who LOVE Second Life.

Of course, being a total noob I can’t figure out how to get it to work with hotmail and there’s ZERO support. Not even a decent help file.
nizzate

the whole resort only has about five different looking people there, must have had a special deal if you brought a twin or clone ….
http://ptoing.net ptoing

Dumbest idea I have seen in ages.
gum

Gah. Why are there so many obese guys while all the girls have plastic playboy bodies? I mean, if everyone, regardless of sex, looked like models it would just be silly. This however, is downright sickening.
gum

Btw. Something’s up with the dates. I don’t think you posted this 31 days ago.
http://www.g4g.it FireSword

Some ages ago i send an e-mail to Derek(gmail), a normal one but never got a reply from him.. :)
Eponymouse

The score in this trailer is hilariously majestic.
http://www.tscreative.net BMcC

FireSword: It says “6 hours ago” on my machine.

I dunno if it’s somethin’ with the site, or folks’ computers, or what.
fish

it sez right here that derek posted this from… the future?
HandCraftedRadio

Well with an idea this revolutionary, it has to be from the future.
Xander

I wont be happy until the fat guys have tatoos of my email headers. Heck, I should be able to stroll by the pool, kick over a fat guy and check his belly for my Beta Test Keys.

As Futurama quite rightly predicted; No one cares for art that isn’t on the front of some fat guy.
http://www.tscreative.net BMcC

I’m gonna be away for the weekend, too.

C’mon, other editors! Don’t fail me now!

(I’m looking at you, Lorne.)
Rz.

man, i’ve been BEGGING people to e-mail me all day just for this! :D
Pyabo

Um… this is a joke, right?
Prio

Okay, installed it and got it to work with my gmail account after a bit of a learning experience.

The bottom of the screen is your email client. See http://www.3dmailbox.com/snapshots/index.html for a better idea. Mail arrives, it gets listed, you right-click it to send it to places or double-click to read it blah blah blah. It’s an email client.

The upper part shows what’s happening in 3d email land. What happens in 3d email land is, your emails go wherever they’re supposed to go (depending on which mailbox they were sent to), and hang out. Watching computer-rendered people hang out is incredibly thrilling for five seconds. Sometimes you can catch them walking to wherever you’ve moved them to.

If you select all of your spam emails (manifested by fat guys sitting on the beach) and whack your delete key, the fat guys all get up as a herd, wade into the water, and swim out towards the sharks. The sharks, who are all union workers, collectively sigh and swim out to pull the uncomplaining fatties into their gullets in a half-hearted display involving no blood, no struggling, and no thrashing.

Oh yeah, and you can change what camera you’re viewing things from, but the controls are really stupid.

Oh yeah, and there’s some easy-listening (and very repetitive) music too. And some sound effects.
motus

ZombiePixel: you should really look into what you can do inside of SL , there are bowling, basketball games… people only seem to hear about the furries but you scripting inside SL is somewhat powerful, even if the physics engine might crash the sim…
Moose

Yea, this isn’t quite like Second Life.

But the visualisation is ridiculous – having EVERY man present be ugly, and EVERY woman beautiful, is just daft. Especially when the beautiful women are relaying the message from my mate Mike asking if I want to go down the boozer on Friday night. And doubly especially if I happen to be a fat man myself in real life (I’m not, but some are!)
fartron

Fat men have the attention span to read email without gratuitous T&A shots mixed in. This program is for guidos.
Prio

Actually, Moose, there’s an option to set the “good” emails (who are always beautiful) to be all male, all female, a random mixture of male and female, or a mixture of male and female based on an AI analysis of the email headers. One of the niftier features really. You can whack off to male hotties as well as female hotties as you prefer.

There is no option to make spam mails female, though. All spam is the same shirtless fat guy.

Also, emails don’t interact with you in any way while you’re reading their text, they just keep hanging out, so really it’s less of a “hi here’s my message” thing and more of a “here’s what’s inside this so-called ‘person'” thing. I guess it would be kind of cool if the people screamed “AAAAAHHH!” when you clicked them and the emails burst out of them like chestbusters in Aliens, but no such thing takes place. This program would be pretty awesome if something like that happened, actually.
http://josephkingworks.blogspot.com Joseph

lol the other editors were eaten by sharks
Splinter of Chaos

Has anyone checked for viruses, trojens, etc, etc? Let’s just say I’ve heard things, but they haven’t been confirmed.
failrate

“There is just one name for e-mail…”

… uh… that would be “e-mail”?
fartron

No, you misheard, “there is only one name which SPELLS email…” and that’s 3D Mailbox, which I guess they’re spelling Three Dee Mailbox because otherwise you won’t get email out of it.
PhatBloke

I am angry like all of you that the morbidly obese are being eaten by sharks. I am one of them, and it makes me sick. I live in Queensland and I have seen a morbidly obese American bloke actually get chomped by a GWS of the GBR, and it’s a sad site.

I am also angry that the emails don’t talk to each other, and don’t do what I want them to when I open them. I want to redesign this program. I want to have control over it.

I guess then I’d feel better. I don’t know. I’m gonna take a dump on my keyboard now. That’s who I feel about this abominable, awful, hateful piece of software.
Mac Da Nife

take a dump on your keyboard?… dude, that’s sick… what i’m gonna do is take a piss on the monitor while the beatiful models are parading across the screen… i’ll report back to you if i don’t get electrocuted.
Bill McTeef

I can top both of you wankers — I’m going to jump off a bridge with this software (copied to a CD) in my teeth, screaming “worst! software! ever!” as I plunge into eternity. Nobody will be able to top that riff. Nobody.

That will show the fruitcakes behind this piece of arse who’s boss.
The Man

@ZombiePixel

“Of course, being a total noob I canâ€™t figure out how to get it to work with hotmail and thereâ€™s ZERO support. Not even a decent help file.”

I emailed them about the same thing, and the big cheese himself, Rob Savage, wrote me back within minutes.

The problem is not 3D Mailbox in this case, it’s Hotmail, who won’t let you use them as a POP server unless you upgrade to Hotmail Premium.